I Want To Be The Only One
by sleepless-knights
Summary: Ivan and Raivis share a complex relationship. But is Raivis the only one Ivan says he loves? What about his brothers? An Ivan x Raivis story told from the point-of-view of Raivis, made complete by abuse.
1. Kiss me

I'm not sure if I should continue this or not. I want to make a story from this and I am certain that I would be able to, I just don't know if, at my skill level, that it would be worth it. Critiques are very, very welcome. Be as harsh as you would like, I don't mind. This is also my first time considering on continuing a story here, so please forgive me with any mistakes made using this site. I still don't fully understand it. ||u.u

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He dragged his glove less, fingertips across my skin, sending chills through every bone in my body. I clutched at my arm, wishing it would help the bleeding stop, but knowing it wouldn't. As a twisted grin spread across Ivan's face, I closed my eyes tightly, hoping this would end soon, but again knowing that it wouldn't.

Ivan brought his lips close to my ear and pressed me further against the wall, making sure that there was absolutely no way I could escape his words, his hits and him. "I love you," he whispered, his voice sickeningly sweet. I wish I could verbally challenge that. How could he love me? When he hits me and cuts me and kicks me. And breaks me. I also wish that I could state my feelings for him, but how could I? I want to tell him that I love him, too, but that's impossible and would only bring me more pain. I am sure of that.

He pulled out his steel pipe and trailed it across my bloody, bare chest. The pipe now had my blood on it once again. I can't remember how many times before he had used it on me, but I still wasn't used to it. I still feared the sound and pain that would come from it striking down on my skin. I kept my eyes closed with a strength I seemed to only be able to use for that action.

I could feel Ivan raise that pipe over his head as I heard the dark chuckles that came pouring from his mouth. "Raivis," he called out to me, "Open your eyes and look at me. I promise it won't be that bad."

_Lies. _I opened my eyes anyway to look at him. I knew what was coming. I still wasn't prepared. That did not matter to Ivan, he struck anyway. I felt the searing pain first in my left shoulder, then in my right. I hoped silently to myself that he wouldn't bring the metal down on my head and my hopes were listened to. He didn't. But instead, he placed the pipe gently under my chin to lift my head that had lopped down back up to him. I lifted my eyes to him, but my tears fell like a rainstorm and I was unable to see. Ivan must have noticed that my vision was blurry because he wiped away the tears in my eyes. Yet they continued to fall.

"Raivis," he said sternly and coldly. "Stop crying." The frown was audible in his voice and that set me to shaking. My tears refused to stop, even though I tried to stop them. Ivan roughly cupped one of my cheeks in his hands and kissed my nose gently, an odd combination to me. "Please stop," he said quietly. My heart smiled, but the tears kept falling, merely slowing down a little.

"I-It hurts," I managed to get out of my mouth. I brought a hand up to my face and wiped away the tears on my own and blinked back the rest. The first thing I saw clearly (other than my hand) was the soft smile on Ivan's face. I could feel a foolish smile come across my own face.

Ivan pressed down on my head with a lot of pressure as he said, remaining quiet, "Good boy." He had paid no attention to my complaining of the pain, but it mattered not. We were coming to the end and I knew what was at the end of the abuse. I wanted what came at the end of the abuse.

But before the end, it always got worse.

"Turn around," he said playfully. I did as he said once again, not daring to disobey. I placed my hands against the wall before he had a chance to tell me. I was beginning to get a hang of this game, understanding the different parts to it. I didn't want this, only what came at the end. But I would only get to the end if I went through this. I wondered what Ivan was going to do this time. I heard him take a few steps back and pick something off the ground – the knife from before.

I wanted to ask what he was going to do with the knife, but I knew the simple answer. He was going to cut me. He had no reason to do anything extreme, I hoped. I hadn't done anything wrong this time!

I shivered as I felt the gentle tracing down my back with the knife. Ivan had moved quickly, probably only taking one large step to return to where I was. The gentleness slowly turned into a skin-splitting amount of pressure and I felt the warmth escape from my back the same as my blood did. I felt Ivan claw at my open flesh. I felt Ivan lean close to the bottom of the long cut and lick along the cut until he reached the top. I felt my hands turn into fists. It hurt. It really hurt.

"That's a lot of blood," Ivan said, amused. "It really flows." He traced a line with his finger right next to the cut and then suddenly turned away. I wanted to ask where he was going, but his words came out first. "Stay here," he demanded. "I'll return soon."

As soon as I heard the heavy door close, my tears fell from my eyes in a greater volume than I could have imagined. God, it hurt. It hurt so much. I wanted to curl up on the floor, but I knew he would hurt me more if he came back to find me like that. Instead, I placed my hand to my mouth and bit down on it hard and took slow and steady breaths, trying to calm myself down. He couldn't come back to find me like this. I wouldn't let that happen. I know I'm a cry-baby, but I have to have more control. I can take this pain. I can take it...

I suddenly heard Ivan's heavy footsteps climbing down the stairs and I had to compose myself quickly. I wiped the tears from each of my eyes and placed both my hands against the wall again. I bit down on my lower lip and stared straight ahead into the wall. I didn't dare turn my head to look at him as he came into the room or what he had gone to get.

Ivan stood right behind me, his shadow covering my whole being. He leaned down and softly kissed my sore shoulder and placed various things on the ground. I bit down harder on my lip and kept staring at the wall. Now was not the time to smile. I didn't want to know what he had brought down, either. He picked up one of the numerous items and I heard it clank softly on the ground. I was clueless as to what it might be. I was clueless until I felt the grains hit my back and go into the wound. It was salt. It was killing my blood cells. Salt was rumoured to be helpful in healing, but not on a cut like the one on my back. That just brought more pain. I was wrong. I can't take it. It's too much. The tears quickly filled my eyes again and spilled over. They fell fast and constantly down my cheeks.

"It's not working," I heard Ivan say after a few minutes of thoroughly applying salt to my newest wound. The pout was apparent in his voice. He tossed the saltshaker to the wall opposite from us and picked up another thing from the ground. Two things from the ground, actually. I heard some liquid sloshing in a container and I was a little bit concerned, and when I felt the liquid on a cotton ball on my back, I was even more concerned. But then I could tell Ivan was cleaning the cut for me. Normally, it was left up for me to do that, even if the cut was on my back (those times, I would normally have to be a burden to Toris or Eduard and ask for help). This is the first time that Ivan had actually cleaned a cut for me...

After he cleaned the cut from germs, he picked up something that didn't make a noise. Soon after, I found out it was gauze. He was wrapping it around my torso to protect the cut. Why was he doing this? Why did he care? He had said that he loves me many times before today, why now?

When he finished wrapping my wound, Ivan grabbed my shoulder firmly, which sent tears to form in my eyes again. He spun me around and pushed me against the wall. That sent even more tears to my eyes. But then he kissed me. It was hard and it made my head hit the back of the wall, but he kissed me. I wanted to kiss him back, but I couldn't find the courage. We couldn't be together, I knew that. There are Toris and Eduard, too, after all.


	2. Dinner

It's picking up a little, I think. I'm writing this so fast, I'm surprising myself! So, as it turns out, I /will/ continue this. ;; Evenifno-onereads/likesit.

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Ivan grabbed my wrist and led me out of the basement and up the stairs. When we got to the first floor of the house, he informed that I would be making dinner tonight instead of Toris.

"Why?" I asked. That was a mistake; I knew not to question him.

Ivan simply smiled and tightened his hold on my wrist. When we arrived at the kitchen, I saw that Toris and Eduard were sitting in the dining room to the side of the kitchen already. That was odd, normally they would stay in their rooms, wanting to be as far away from Ivan as they could get. So why were they down here…?

"Make whatever you want," Ivan called down at me, breaking me from my thoughts. I brought my gaze up to his face, searching in his expression for any small hint as to why I was the one cooking. Toris was so much better… Maybe he was setting me up so he could hurt me more? My shaking picked up slightly at that, and Ivan giggled when he noticed.

Ivan turned his back to me and walked into the dining room, shutting the door behind him. I could hear him say something to my brothers in a sweet voice, but I couldn't make out the words. I decided to shake that from my mind and go to wash my hands.

I then gathered all the ingredients for the only recipe I knew by heart and that I knew I wouldn't mess up – sorrel soup. By the time I was almost finished finding all the ingredients, the only thing I had left to find was the sorrel. It was always hard to find in Ivan's house. After searching around the cupboards a little, I eventually found it. I began to prepare the ingredients when the door opened that Ivan had closed just moments ago. I turned my head slightly (and carefully, just in case it was Ivan) to see that it was Eduard.

He walked right past me and to the closet. His eyes looked tired. Actually, his entire expression looked tired. Eduard opened the door and pulled out a small towel from it, quickly and quietly closing the door before he left the kitchen. He closed the door to the dining room with even less sound than he did with the closet door.

That was strange. Normally Eduard would smile at me if we saw each other. He hadn't even looked at me…

I had to shake it off quickly, though. I couldn't take any extra time cooking or I would get in trouble.

After twenty or so minutes had passed, the soup was finally finished. I had to carry the bowls out one at a time so that I wouldn't drop them or spill them. I brought Ivan's first and he examined it thoroughly while I went back to the kitchen to bring Toris his bowl. I brought Toris' second since he was the oldest and you're supposed to be respectful to people older than you. I noticed that Toris was shaking softly (not as much as I do normally), and I became worried, but I would have to ask him later. It was really strange, too, since he was the best at hiding his fear. When I reentered the dining room to place Eduard's bowl in front of him, I noticed that his eyes didn't appear so tired and empty anymore. He smiled to me before I turned to retrieve my bowl. I didn't see the towel anywhere.

I placed my bowl in front of my seat at the table – Toris was to me left and Eduard to my right with Ivan directly in front of me – and sat down. Ivan took the first bite of his food and we waited for him to allow us to eat. A tradition my brothers and I had quickly become used to. There had been times when Ivan refused to give us permission to eat and sent us to our rooms immediately after he was finished. But that was only when he was growing paranoid that we were formulating plans to leave him. I never understood how he thought treating us poorly would ever make us want to stay.

"It's not as bad as I had hoped it would be, Raivis," Ivan suddenly said. My brothers and I kept our eyes on him, remembering what happened last time just one of us hadn't looked at him as he spoke to us at dinner. We also all knew why he wanted it to taste bad. So that he could beat me more. "You two may eat," he said, his eyes going back and forth between my brothers. "But not you." His eyes rested on my face.


	3. Request

Wow, this one is short. ;; After the first three paragraphs, I suffered from a little writer's block and lack of interest in the story, but it was cured over night! :'D In the next chapter, I plan on having more abuse, so.. ; w ; Please review! And thank you to all who have read it this far! 3

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My shaking picked up slightly, becoming more noticeable. Eduard nudged me when Ivan's eyes left us for a moment and I understood his warning. I had to calm down or things would be worse.

Once Ivan finished eating, dinner was finished, as well. He never cared if we ate all of our food or not, dinner always ended when he was finished. Ivan dismissed himself from the table and retired to his bedroom. We didn't know if he would take one of us later for more punishment or not, but we were all praying he would stay in his room for the night. I was only partially hoping, though. I wanted him to kiss me again.

Eduard took the dishes to the kitchen so that he could clean them like he did every night after dinner. No one ever told him that he specifically had to clean the dishes; he took it upon himself the day we arrived here and learned the rules to clean the dishes. Toris and I wouldn't argue about it, though, it was something that wasn't forced upon us to take care of. I felt a little guilty for feeling that way, though.

When I got up out of my chair and headed the direction of the staircase, Toris grabbed my arm lightly. Thankfully it wasn't the arm Ivan had cut earlier. I turned around to see his expression and I almost wished I hadn't. There was seriousness in his eyes that I had never seen before and it was mixed with a look of… concern? Worry? I couldn't quite tell what the other thing was, but the combination scared me.

"Raivis, I need to talk with you." Toris' voice was slightly shaky, but mostly, it was firm and mature. It scared me. I was in trouble with my brother, too? "Sit down," he said, I did as he told me to and I sat. "Eduard," Toris called out into the kitchen. Was I in trouble with both of them?

As Eduard took his seat to my right at the dinner table, Toris' grip on my arm vanished and he folded his hands in his lap. Eduard looked at me with some emotion in his eyes. I couldn't tell what it was, though, I had never seen it before.

"Raivis," Toris started. "You need to spend less time around Ivan."

I felt as if the whole world had stopped spinning. How could I spend less time with him? I love him! But I let Toris continue to speak. Maybe he was just worried for me?

Toris took a breath in, he must have noticed how my eyes widened (of course he did, dummy). He looked as if he was about to speak, but the Eduard interrupted him suddenly. "You're too young for him!" he exclaimed. Toris and Eduard both looked around the room before he continued in a quieter voice, but just as harsh. "He should feel ashamed of himself, doing those things to someone your age."

Emotions ripped through my heart. I couldn't tell what each of them were since I had never felt that way before, but I did recognise a few of them. Anger, hatred, hurt, and... Jealousy. I was jealous. Maybe they were jealous, too? Did Ivan love them, too? Was it really not only me? Did they wish he loved them? They couldn't be looking out for me, no... If they were looking out for me, they wouldn't be saying these things.

Before they could say anything else, I stood up from my chair and I ran from the room. I ran through the kitchen, to the staircase, up the staircase and down the hall. I was headed for my room, but just before I got to it, Ivan stepped out of his room to see what all the noise was about.

I immediately changed my destination and ran to him, wrapping my arms around him when I got to him. I knew it was risky, but I couldn't help it.

I didn't know that I was crying until I felt the wet spots from my tears on his shirt. I couldn't stop them. The tears kept falling and falling and falling. How could they even ask me to stay away from him?

Suddenly, Ivan picked me up bridal-style and began to carry me down the hallway. He carried me down the stairs. Once we got to the bottom of the staircase, I knew exactly where he was taking me. But I clinged to him and continued to cry anyway.


End file.
